They aren't my friends.

Henry James, an American author was quoted in my Smart Brief from HERC.  I just had to include this in my blog because it is congruent with my recent learning experiences. The link is below.

Not Everyone Should Like Me!

 

Now this type of thinking is absolutely foreign to me. I have ways prided myself on being a people-pleaser. I enjoy being someone others like being around, and love making just about anyone smile. 

Henry James points out something my counselor, support group, and a few other wise people have said. I shouldn't try to befriend everyone. 

I have never adopted the attitude that there are people out there worth completely avoiding. My Christian faith demands that I recognize that all people are created by God. I am called to love them all as a Christian. I suppose trying to love everyone the way Christ does assumes I am capable of loving unconditionally, the way God does. My divorce proves that I am not capable of this.  Who do I want not liking me?

 

I don't really like people who openly disrespect the rights, safety, and uniqueness of others.

Stunt cyclists on public streets tend to disregard both the rights and safety of others.

 

I'm sure the guy Paul Shankman interviewed in the report above had no intention of offending anyone.  If he is right, and did nothing, his charges should be dropped, but I am reluctant to believe he did nothing. 

Drunk drivers, aggressive drivers, and flamboyant drivers on public avenues are less and less tolerable to me as I get older.  I suppose I am a bit of a hypocrite, because when I was in high school, I loved showing off.  I still like turning my radio up loud, but I didn't install any super bass thumpers in my car (which I also dislike a lot), and I believe I outgrew all that macho showmanship.

 

Openly disrespecting others is offensive in any circumstance.  Probably the easiest for me to stand up to is racists, or sexual bigots.  Personal opinions are fine, but when expresses their opinions at someone they are people who commit hate crimes.  Bullying others because they don't meet your own standards is a great way to make a bad impression.  Bullies are off my list too.

 

Other people I probably shouldn't consider friends:

1. Strangers.  (Tough one, since I automatically assume God made all people good.)

 

1b. To clarify, if I have only known someone less than 5 years, I probably don't really know them.  I have met a lot of great people in the past five years and I do hope some of them become my friends, but until I stop getting hurt, taken advantage of, and used, I can't expect them to be my real friends. Once the five year relationship has been established though, numbers 9, 11 and 12 can be disregarded.

 

1c. Knowing someone involves interacting with them more than once or twice a week in various contexts for personal reasons. 

 

I suppose the next few are obvious to a lot of people, but I need to clarify them for me.

 

3. Alcoholics.  I don't mind people who drink alcohol, but people who find it necessary to get drunk more than a few times a year can't understand how scared I am of alcoholism.  Growing up around alcoholism, I can't live with it in my life. I doubt many alcoholics claim the title.

 

4. Drug pushers...yes I know, this includes not just a few doctors. I need to maintain a professional relationship with any doctors I know anyway.  I may regret this if I fall in love with someone who is in the medical profession. 

 

5. Killers, child abusers, animal abusers. (Thankfully I don't know any.)

 

6. Scientologists, Jehovah's Witnesses, and Mormons.  (I believe God made them too, but I can't agree with most of their teachings.)

 

7. White supremacists, racists, and bigots: including a few people in my community who frequently promote racial conflict, cleansing, and disparity. (See number 6)

 

8. Satanists.  (See number 6.)

 

9. Anybody under the age of 25.  I hate that I have to think this way, but because of society's stigma about child predators, I need to be careful about developing personal relationships with people who haven't been adults for a while.  Former students under the age of 25 inspire me, I love them, and as much as I admire them and enjoy communicating with them,  any relationship I have with them can only be simple.  To carry on a complex relationship with any of them would do them harm too.

 

10. Anyone who gossips.  (Sigh I could lose a lot of connections here.  Teachers like to gossip. Maybe I shouldn't be re posting about news items.)

 

11. Politicians, because if someone is currently active in an elected position, I must remember they can be influenced, and may not always have my best interest at heart.

 

11b. People I meet who work in the entertainment, hospitality, or service industry while I am a customer, client or fan.  Until the five year rule kicks in, these people can really only be interested in me for my enthusiasm, or money.  Of course this rule is disregarded if a relationship forms outside the above context or extends longer than 5 years. 

  

12. Coworkers and clients who don't meet the five year rule.  I hate doing this too, but the only way to focus on being a good worker is to keep in mind anything beyond a professional relationship is forbidden by most employers, and discouraged by society anyway.

 

13. Administrators, bosses, employers or managers.  Anyone who tells me what to do and gives me money for doing it is off limits personally.  (See rule 12 and 11.)

14. Simon Cowell.  No explanation needed.

15. Broken relationships.  I am sad to accept that my relationship with Tammy and her family is broken.  I thought we could be friends, but we have to settle for being friendly acquaintances.  Sigh...I am sad all over again.

Labels for this post: friends, Henry James, Christianity, disrespectful people, Paul Shankman, stunt cyclists, drunk drivers, sex bigots, race bigots, bullies, strangers, My Five-Year Rule, relationships, personal relationships, professional relationships, casual relationships, Christian love, alcoholics, drug pushers, killers, child abusers, animal abusers, scientologists, Jehovah's Witnesses, Mormons, racists, bigots, white supremacists, anyone younger than 25, child predators, gossips, entertainment workers, hospitality workers, service industry workers, coworkers, clients, administrators, managers, bosses, employers, Simon Cowell, complex relationships, simple relationships, past lovers, broken relations, friendly acquaintances.